1. Wear a swimsuit in public.
Bonus points for a two-piece. Fly your belly flag with pride because you’re growing a freaking PERSON in there. So what if you have a few extra dimples in your ass and thigh region? Adopt Fat Amy as your spirit animal if you need to.
2. Get out of a traffic ticket.
I’ve been pulled over twice in the last month (at 32 weeks and 34 weeks) and didn’t get a ticket, most likely thanks to the pregnancy sympathy card. The heady feeling you get from escaping a ticket while at the same time growing an actual human must be what a God complex feels like. I’m not advocating breaking the law just to get out of trouble, but if you do, I won’t judge.
3. See a chiropractor.
Sciatica pain, carpal tunnel, pregnancy-induced elephantitis. A chiropractic adjustment fixes them all. Unless you pick some cheapo whack job with no training, and they screw your back up for life. So don’t do that.
4. Splurge on a prenatal massage.
For my current pregnancy, my doctor actually recommended regular massages, and I asked her if I could have that in writing. If you get squirmy about the idea of a stranger’s hands on your body, have you forgotten that in a few weeks, you’ll have no fewer than a dozen strange hands up your hoo-ha to assess your “progress” or “effacement stage” or “ability to put up with fingers in your cervix without kicking your doctor in the face”?
5. Screw with strangers.
Let’s say you’re in the grocery store line and the cashier glances at the huge orb protruding from your front and says, “When are you due?” Act like you’re taken aback and say, “What? Oh…I’m not pregnant.” Relish in that look on their face for at least a full second before you put them out of their misery, and remember the days when strangers didn’t have free reign to comment on the shape of your body. And then there’s the woman at Costco who asks when you’re due and follows up with, “Think you’re gonna make it?” (Translation: You’re fat.) You have my permission to punch her in the boob
6. Take some time to yourself.
Get away from your kids, your partner, and your co-workers and just be alone. Reconnect with the idea that you are your own separate person, apart from that little alien growing inside of you.
7. Eat an entire pint of ice cream in one sitting.
Or a rack of barbecue ribs. Or a vat of raw cookie dough. Just because you can, and it feels good. But maybe don’t do this the night before your glucose test.